My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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