They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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