Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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