there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
