i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
