It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
