Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
