the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
