it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
