We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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