just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
