Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize