Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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