you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
