I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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