This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize