So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
