oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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