i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
