no, he came in my armpit
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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