I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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