Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
