did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
whose parrot is this?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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