Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
