NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize