you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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