True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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