Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize