I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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