Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
