Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Found your dick twin last night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize