i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
