Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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