i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
