Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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