I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
