This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
