I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
