i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
