cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
