i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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