Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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