Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
