I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
