peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
