my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
