Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I met the friendliest cop last night
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
