Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
