If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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