The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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