put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
