Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
