I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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