If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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