Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
