You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
