If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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