Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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