we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
